Body Endeavor

"Inhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, exhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, inhale..."

This is my third Pilates session. Since last time, my trainer Lisa has picked up the pace in her counting and added 5-10 numbers on each routine to train my endurance.

Not that I didn't believe in exercise before, but purely out of laziness, I against exercising for twenty-some years. Once or twice, the fashionable workout outfits did lure me into fantasizing a run in the park. Kodak this: Reebok black/white top and bottom, Reebok running shoes (yes, I dig everything Reebok,) bottle of water in hand (Reebok bottle of course,) pink iPod on left arm, and hair is tied into a high pony-tail. I actually could be mistaken for a sporty one! Most of these occasional impulses turned into a jog of 2 blocks and out-of-breath for 15 minutes.

"Let's do the 'Hundred.'" Lisa guides my body into the right position - an almost V-shaped pose. "Now pump your arms on the sides of your body. Inhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, exhale, 2, 3... pull your abdominal in and up!"

That was kinda tough.

"Hey Lisa, Why is it called the 'Hundred?'"
"Uh... because you do at least a hundred of the pumping..."
"A Hundred??! Uh oh... I think I only did 30..."
"No. You did 50 just now. Another 50 later."

I guess that's the good thing about having a trainer - they plan it out for you and you actually don't get a chance to slack off.

Men and women in the gym, presumably those in-shaped ones or getting in-shape at least, obtain such a strong will to get through with their exercise routine despite the sweat and the pain. It is really quite admirable.

I am still reluctant to suffer in order to get in shape. That's why I'm settling for Pilates. Some stretches - piece of cake!

Lisa has me sitting on "the chair" to do some legwork. In Pilates, there are several props: the Mat, the Chair, the Cadillac and the Reformer. Except the Mat, all others have some kind of moving carriage and resistant spring attached, oddly reminding me of Cirque de Soleil.

"Push the pedal down with your feet. Accenting the up motion. Let's flow the pace. Fast!"

This is really painful!

"Ten more!" Lisa commands. "Look into the mirror!"

WHAT?!

"Look into the mirror!" She repeats and explains: "Look at your straight posture, tighten your fists...."

For some reason, I am definitely having trouble looking at myself in the mirror while I am ... working out. My eyes shift from side to side, around my blurry image but fail to focus.

"Look at yourself! Look into your eyes!"

This can't be for real. No, I refuse to...

Lisa uses her hands to stabilize my head: "It's okay. Just look. It'll help you to focus."

There I am, in the mirror: no make-up, blushed face, disheveled hair and all. A complete stranger. A stranger who looks like shit.

Not an ideal Kodak moment, obviously. In fact, it would be my worst fear if someone took a picture of that.

So this is what I find most challenging in exercise: accepting what you look like in your worst shape to achieve a better body, better health and better spirit. I've only taken a small step toward that, giving an excuse that this is only my third Pilates lesson.

It's definitely promising though. I could feel it.

Dream Sequence 2

“So what about you? Are you seeing anyone else?”
“No. No. But there is the dream of someone else.”

Somewhere between my conscious and unconscious states, a stranger, tall and handsome, came to me.

It was love at first sight.

The moment he held me, a flow of energy released from the core of my body, and my existence suddenly made sense. Our bodies melted into one and he was the missing piece.

I opened my eyes - it was 6 in the morning.

My Dear Friend...

My dear friend…

You need not to be overly critical on yourself. The fault is not yours, and the pain is not for you to embrace alone. Watching you sink deeper into despair, I only wish that you could accept who you are and realize that you are truly blessed.

Stop seeking the flaws in you, for you will only hurt yourself more. Don’t you know how fragile you are? After each turmoil, you cling onto the little strength there is left, barely standing with nowhere and no one to lean on. Then you face your worst critic – yourself. Shutting everyone out and accepting the brutal self-critic alone, you become the most pathetic and the loneliest soul.

We shouldn’t be this lonely… We should never make ourselves lonelier than we already are…

Don’t undervalue yourself and please don’t give up. It is our biggest task to keep an optimistic spirit no matter how rough things are. Things will get better as long as you believe in yourself.