Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Bedtime


What is this restlessness that gnaws my nerve?
I bite my nails
My fingertips bleed

I can feel the blood running through
My each and every vein
I am too tired to scream
My body could burst
I could rest

Could you hum me a tune please?
A nice tune
Soft and swaying
I close my eyes
My feet are dancing

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Regrets

"Life is like a dream. Sometimes I think I'm still dreaming."

Nana,

They told me that you fell the other day and broke your leg. You are in a fragile state right now - don't get me wrong, by fragile I meant your health, not your spirit. Should it Never be your spirit... Please listen to the doctors and let them take care of you. Mom said that you were complaining about difficulty in breathing. They couldn't tell you. Don't blame them. Yes it has spread to your lungs... You already knew.

You've always been optimistic and brave. But now at the final hours of life, what are going through your mind? You told me that you had a good life and there was nothing else you would ask for. But Nana, are you sad? Are you scared? I try to empathize (you hate sympathies,) yet could not comprehend what it would be like to face death. Forgive me for not able to ease your pain. And forgive me for failing to understand what you are going through.

Perhaps you had no regrets, but allow me to tell you mine.

I regret that I wasn't around much to get to know you better. You have always been my favorite relative whom I never once dreaded to visit. You are an intelligent woman and a wonderful human being. It always amazes me that you speak such fluent english and have a broad knowledge in art, history, music, or anything else, while ironically, you lived in a sexist country where women had no education or social status. How did you do it?

I regret that I wasn't around to help you to write a memoir. You gave up on the idea because of your eyesight. Nana, I would sit down with you and record everything you have to say. I would. I really wanted to.

I regret that we never finish our conversation about religion. When I saw you this summer, you told me about your relationship with God. Nana, your english was so good and your story intrigued me: you were once a young devoted christian. When science and evolution seemed to contradict with what you faithfully believed, you were hurt. Then the amount of guilt that was piling up on your shoulders became too heavy for you to bear. So one day, you prayed to God: "Father, take my life tonight. Let my death be an evidence of your powerful existence." You left a note under the pillow explaining your death, then prayed, cried, and prayed more. How young and naive you were. He would not take your life because he loved you too much. In the morning, as you woke up finding that you were still living and breathing, you tore up the note and began living your life as an atheist.

Oh Nana, I wish we could talk more that day about this. We haven't even got the chance to talk about the years you lived by yourself after your husband's fatal accident. There are so much more I want to know about you. I regret that I didn't visit you again as I said I would. I regret to overlook the importance of our last meeting. But more so, I will soon regret for not having enough courage to send you this letter.

Nana, please hanging there and be strong. You will truly be missed.

Love always,

M

Monday, September 22, 2008

Flaws


I want to tell you what my flaws are
Except you already knew them so well

But please allow me to reiterate
My imperfection
I will confess them with honesty and sincerity

Would you
Love me for who I am -
That's the idea that people like to impose
Before fleeting away
Hastily

You are still here
I want you to stay

So here we go with the flaws:
Irrational, emotional, temperamental, jealous, insecure
Everything I despise about myself
Nothing that you don't already know

What I hope is to obtain your love
Eternally
Even though my confession might seem to be a strange
Approach
And what I ask for is rather shameless and selfish

Will you
Love me for who I am
For a lifetime and more?